So my Macbook Pro crashed last week and I’m back to using my dinosaur white Macbook for now. Yeah, yeah - I suppose things could be worse. But today looking through old folders I found these two photos of me, and I nearly cried.
These were taken when I lived in Chicago and was the happiest I have ever been. I was confident. I didn’t stress about about my relationship status. I ate when I needed to, not when I was bored or sad. I didn’t get sick daily from anxiety. I took all of my medications. I was neat and organized. I did not give energy to toxic friendships, romances, or habits. I had balance and prioritized my own needs. I lived with Natalija and was surrounded by other supportive, amazing people like Gwen, Adrian, Angie, Jeff, and Evan. These photos are proof that I was so much more open, social, active, excited, generous, driven, cheerful, sexual, powerful, healthy… I was sassy god damn it!
The past two years since these were taken have been a roller-coaster. They needed to happen and I’m glad they did. I wouldn’t change any of it. But I’m exhausted and confused and not myself. I feel like my computer died so I would stumble across these and remember what I need to get back to. I think I’ve let almost everyone around me chip away at my assuredness and knowledge of myself without even realizing.
SO - with all that said, I am going to refocus on myself. I am going to crawl out of my shambly mess of a life and get back to being me and enjoying it. I forgive those who have hurt me, and I apologize to anyone I have hurt in the past two years. If anyone reads this - I hope you’ll all be around to enjoy the positive changes with me.